from the studio: daily bread

yes, i am at it again

2010-09-05T21:21:00.005-04:00

first off,
i am missing this space for writing...
with all the many blogs i have going
there isn't one that replaces the "journaling aspect"
that was inherent in this one
(and in fast forward 30 years before it)

i have started a new daily blog
(big surprise)
running away from home
initially i though it would just be photographs;
just cell phone snaps,
very random
very free
much more like t_l_v
and maybe not only 1/day
but now i am not sure
maybe it will need some text too...

what i do know is that i used to have a fairly clear idea
of who took which pictures;
each of my online presences has always had a very specific character
that for the most part, has felt clear to me.
lately this isn't true:
i can't figure out what to post where
and because of this,
some of my favorite images seem to go unposted

while this feels unsettling to me
maybe it's a good thing
it indicates change
it indicates questioning
and maybe,
maybe,
it means that some of these disparate aspects of my "self"
are beginning to merge

not what i had expected

2010-09-01T23:57:00.027-04:00

this is not the post i had expected to make today,
and in some ways, many ways
it feels like a cop out
but
that is unavoidable...
i haven't come up with a great new 365 project
so while it seemed beneficial to have a photographic counterpoint
to my daily watercolor practice
continuing with a daily image from the studio
feels as if i am just fulfilling an obligation
so for now i am going to stop posting here
and
THIS SCARES THE SH*T OUT OF ME
(but not quite as much as say;
stopping my daily watercolor practice
and that has occurred to me as well)

as i write this post
every part of me is screaming out not to do this
screaming FAILURE
it's the stubborn voice of the ego
fighting to keep the status quo
and that in and of itself
should be a good enough reason to forge ahead
and to see what the outcome actually is
as opposed to what i "think" it will be.

i have long suspected that at some point
my reliance on daily work
begins to fall more heavily on the side of "doing"
than it does on "being"
and i have long suspected that i need to confront this
and risk severing the identity that comes with these projects,
an identity which can define me so tightly
that there is no space for me to breathe
this seems like it should be a relatively easy step to take
but in actuality i fear
that the rest of my life will start to tumble like a pack of cards

while i have many prepared,
i am not posting an image for today;
because the only way things change
is if you change how you do them.

for those who visit here,
thanks for caring,
i have many ideas for what might eventually inhabit this space,
so if you want to follow along
i'm sure i'll be tweeting about it
and i have a mailing list for when i begin new projects.

onward ho!

one year later

2010-08-31T23:38:00.017-04:00

this began a year ago,
taking over where fast forward 30 years left off
and i am wondering
how to continue
(should i change the format?)
or even
whether to continue
because i am so ritualistic
some sort of decision will be made tomorrow
what it really boils down to
whether this process serves the work
or
serves as a distraction from it?

painted

2010-08-30T23:35:00.001-04:00

i woke up to this painting in ri

and made this (right)
at home in ny this evening

shadow self

2010-08-29T21:18:00.001-04:00

today i painted on the beach
and forgot to take a picture
maybe because i was so completely brought back in time
to those summers when in spite of any difficulties:
blistering heat, whipping winds, stinging sand or rain,
i would go down to the beach
and paint
yes,
i was somewhat transported

same place different day

2010-08-28T18:07:00.001-04:00

and slightly different set-up

visiting my brother

2010-08-27T18:48:00.001-04:00

this is what i saw

this is where i was

this is what it felt like

mural studies

2010-08-26T23:41:00.000-04:00

workin' up some ideas for my community mural project...

lying awake

2010-08-25T23:34:00.002-04:00

not that i often do
i am usually exhausted by the time i get into bed
(it's the book referred to here)

surprise

2010-08-24T23:45:00.001-04:00

almost a month ago i bought this artichoke
i thought, to paint
so i put it in the fridge to help it last longer
and
forgot about it.
when i found it, it was rather dried out
and a bit unappealing
and i kind of forgot about it again

today i picked it up
thinking it was long gone
but hoping to find something interesting about it to photograph
and guess what...

trust me on this

2010-08-23T23:48:00.012-04:00

i am not sure why these are "from the studio" today
i just know that they are
perhaps they are a poem
this was

some synchronicity

2010-08-22T23:21:00.002-04:00

for the first time in ages
the rain came down in buckets
it was a welcome change

and i continued finding little bits of meaning
and moments that made some sort of sense

some support

2010-08-21T20:20:00.001-04:00

the corners were bending in
so i braced them with chopsticks
i keep trying the oils
but it's not clicking
i've turned off the computer and done some reading
i think i have an idea for the mural project

hihihi, a fellow lx3 user, tipped me off about a 1:1 upgrade
that's my eggplant on the left
and on the right
my neighbor's cuke growing through to our side of the fence
which i will eat
:O

review

2010-08-20T23:09:00.025-04:00

i thought it would be a good idea to look at these,
6 months into this series
as a little review,
for concrete evidence that i am actually "doing" something
and for ideas for the panels i intend to design
for the mural project that we are doing in the community

i expected to "see" something
to "recognize" something
that is what usually happens when i review months of work
that i have never seen together
but i scooped them all up
almost as quickly as i put them down
because i "saw" nothing
and the faith that will sometimes manifest
was nowhere to be found

i did clean off my desk area
which was starting to get out of hand again

working on play again

2010-08-19T11:15:00.002-04:00

don't ask

2010-08-18T23:53:00.003-04:00

some things...
are better left unsaid

protected

2010-08-17T23:54:00.014-04:00

so i listened today,
i listened to that little voice,
i made these double layered covers for the flower drawings
so that i could safely return to oil
because i had an inkling that i might want to
i washed brushes that had been sitting for months
and then i tried
unfortunately,
not too successfully

scissors

2010-08-16T22:26:00.002-04:00

some days

2010-08-15T23:40:00.000-04:00

not sure where all this high-key activity is coming from

this was hard

2010-08-14T20:09:00.000-04:00

to get to the difficult places on these drawings requires some extreme measures
this was a bit scary,
all day i was resisting working on this,
an when i finally painted
it was a different flower than the one i had intended

wanting more poetry

2010-08-13T23:24:00.017-04:00

i did
i did want more poetry from these images
but i have to settle for this
i have been "organizing" for days on end
not my physical space
but my mental one
part of my dissatisfaction seems to be stemming from
a lack of defined goals
which has resulted in
never having a means to experience progress
never knowing i have moved forward
never feeling accomplishment

purple and then some

2010-08-12T23:13:00.003-04:00

so after having made a painting of this flower yesterday
this is what i see in the brush water today

so yes
just like the purple separated to blue pigment on the bottom
and pink suspended in the water
it did more or less the same thing on the paper...

and this...
something else i found

more small things

2010-08-11T22:43:00.001-04:00

i have been intending to stick to a schedule
but when i am this messed up
sticking to anything
works for me

a world of my own making

2010-08-10T23:09:00.000-04:00

and the making of...

things i made today

2010-08-09T20:56:00.003-04:00

i did anything (and everything) that came into my head today

clearly it didn't amount to much

it was an awful studio day actually
filled with relentless self recriminations
which i call truths
it seems to have gotten a little better towards the end

found

2010-08-08T18:23:00.001-04:00

some stuff from the beach

on the road

2010-08-07T11:38:00.000-04:00

i've done this once before
my daily watercolors in the car
it's an interesting solution when i am going away for a short time
and i know i'll feel funny arriving at someone's house and then going off on my own
left handed painting while motoring is particularly interesting...

about last night

2010-08-06T20:14:00.000-04:00

whatever it was i was trying to shoot last night...
this is what is looked like today

seems like

2010-08-05T23:36:00.003-04:00

it seems like this should mean something,
it doesn't
perhaps this does:

shame

2010-08-04T23:39:00.004-04:00

i did something i probably shouldn't have...
it has nothing to do with the studio
and now,
everything

still organizing

2010-08-03T14:00:00.008-04:00

so the stuff on the left:
stickers that undoubtedly have no adhesive left...
and so in other words...
are useless
on the right postcards from heide hatry

every once in a while i really love my fotola combos;
yesterday was one of those times


daily bread		animus

fake & real

2010-08-02T20:00:00.004-04:00

2 projects blending together
the flower paintings of course
and my bike basket
sorely in need of attention

fake

2010-08-01T23:22:00.004-04:00

more flowers in the studio:
my bike basket is long overdue for an overhaul

glad again

2010-07-31T09:28:00.000-04:00

sometimes i think
they are trying to be orchids

studio pieces

2010-07-30T22:24:00.003-04:00

clean up

2010-07-29T23:00:00.002-04:00

it's the first time i've seen the surface of my desk in eons...
look at all those wires
i am so old skool

artichoke

2010-07-28T19:55:00.001-04:00

what do you care about?
what do you love?
these were the questions i was told to ask as a photographer

museu

2010-07-27T23:27:00.005-04:00

a little homage to museu,
the fotola i share with fernando lopes
i love looking through the archives
and i love that sometimes
i don't remember who took which pictures

a screen shot composite from a while ago:

gladiola

2010-07-26T23:55:00.000-04:00

ant free

2010-07-25T20:16:00.002-04:00

not sure why
but today
the sun flower & the gladiolas i bought
were crawling with ants
creating a trail
going out to the garden
i brought the flowers outside
and hosed them down
i dust busted the ants
am i awful?

calla

2010-07-24T23:40:00.001-04:00

back to having flowers in the studio...

wish

2010-07-23T23:35:00.034-04:00

this is the wish i made and hung on the yoko ono wish tree in MoMA's sculpture garden.
sidebar:
when i was little,
we used to wish on a stray eyelash:
if someone saw one on your cheek,
that had fallen from your lid
they would carefully rescue it and give it to you
to hold pressed between your thumb and your fore finger
then you would make a (silent) wish
separate your fngers and blow
if you had managed to make the lash dissappear
(as opposed to it remaining stuck to either sweaty little digit
because you had nervously been squeezing so hard)
you got your wish...
i had a friend
who every time
would run to the person wishing and say
"wish for peace, wish for peace"
(this was during the vietnam war)
and so, while i would always say i had
i would end up feeling incredibly guilty
when i had actually wished
that my affections for a certain boy
would be returned to me
i haven't seen a stray eyelash on someone's cheek in ages
i suppose, like teeth
for a while,
they stop falling out

and i don't make too many wishes anymore
and i did feel a twinge of guilt
over making one so personal
in troubled times like these...

(wish tree, wider view)

things that move me

2010-07-22T19:29:00.000-04:00

strange how attached i am to this plate,
it was made by an artist
and i remember buying it,
at a "2nds" sale at his studio
while christmas shopping
and we bought a few things for the house
that was probably 20 years ago
and it is the only piece that survives
it's original irregularities almost invisible
against the cracks and discoloration that now define it's surface

subliminal

2010-07-21T23:31:00.014-04:00

there was something comforting today
about finding the relationship above
because yesterday,
i had drawn that form
as part of my left-handed work
way before picking that pod
in order to continue with this

inconsistency (not)

2010-07-20T23:47:00.003-04:00

the drawing/collage on the bottom is the outcome of
the oblique strategy card that i pulled today:
the inconsistency principle

i set out to make something "inconsistent" with my normal process.
taking another oblique strategy response
that i had discarded
and had then actually painted on the reverse,
i started cutting into it,
turning over the the pieces
and then taping them back in,
using stickers & tape
and then
liking the reverse side better
all the while thinking i would end up with something,
well,
different.
only to find
that it looks surprisingly similar to
and most consistent with
the first thing that i drew today...

tiny connections

2010-07-19T21:08:00.000-04:00

this is for my bff lauren

because as connected as they seem

it's disconnect that we are looking at

continuum

2010-07-18T23:05:00.000-04:00

endlessly
endlessly
talking about connection
and the lack of it

endlessly
endlessly
making drawings
that connect
or are connected

sometimes
it takes someone else
to put it together for you
i know now
what i have to try to do

cords

2010-07-17T19:11:00.002-04:00

this touched me
that made me happy

support

2010-07-16T22:07:00.001-04:00

discouraged

2010-07-15T23:04:00.000-04:00

why?
because nothing's working

color me

2010-07-14T23:30:00.026-04:00

yesterday
was the first day
in a very long time
(a year?)
(years?)
that i don't paint

somehow the indecision here
is related to that;
the inability to connect
to what i saw,
to what i felt,
to what struck me so hard
about this wet glade of trees
at a truck stop
and my inability to communicate it

my inability to go out on the metaphorical limb
and commit to a fancy

all makes me wonder
if the missed day is only that
or
if it is a beginning,
a beginning of an end

sometimes food wins

2010-07-13T23:51:00.004-04:00

the revenge of the surströmming

it's so stinky,
that the can is opened outdoors
and the offending liquid is disposed of away from the house
(and hopefully not too close to the neighbor's)
then the fillets are rinsed and eaten with crackers, a bit of sour cream (we had greek yogurt), a slice of potato, a piece of onion and...
ice cold vodka
(or aquavit but we had drunk all that the the day before with the new catch holland herring
which has a taste on the opposite end of the scale.)

beach

2010-07-12T19:31:00.008-04:00

familiar
yet
strange...
i used to paint on the beach,
every summer for years,
honestly, it was the only way i felt all right leaving the studio:
making one where ever where i was going
even if it was a vacation.

visiting

2010-07-11T19:19:00.002-04:00

i went to new hampshire for a few days
so this is "from the studio"
quite a few years ago

i have spent a lot of time in this house
but haven't visited in many years
there have been many changes
but so much is familiar
though i am not sure this is...

splat

2010-07-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

whose blood do you think that sucker's been drinking?

dried peas drawn

2010-07-09T23:03:00.000-04:00

dried peas

2010-07-08T23:15:00.006-04:00

a/c

2010-07-07T23:39:00.022-04:00

i made a little video of the transparent envelopes fluttering on my wall
one i put sound to
the other is them coming to rest as the a/c shuts down
it seems to be true
heat turns your brain to mush
;D

also learning to play with imovie

and trying to figure out which service to use to embed videos

oh oski

2010-07-06T20:31:00.001-04:00

never seen him do exactly this...

and i've been posting to oblique strategies again
:)

sky blue

2010-07-05T19:08:00.000-04:00

it's very hot,
very, very hot,
painted outside again,
but the constant whir of a/c compressors
was more annoying than the heat

en plein air

2010-07-04T20:01:00.004-04:00

bright

2010-07-03T23:06:00.000-04:00

not what the camera saw
but what i was seeing

shooting

2010-07-02T23:44:00.000-04:00

i haven't brought these lights out in a long, long time
this might be the first time since the loft

in the clouds

2010-07-01T21:43:00.002-04:00

sometimes the studio happens other places
and sometimes these posts are poems

sugru

2010-06-30T23:57:00.006-04:00

no, this is not an infomercial,
this is sugru
and my first studio project with it
as you may know,
i save everything...
the blockx watercolors that i use,
come in these wonderful china pans
and i can't throw them out.
other watercolor that i use
dries up in their tubes
and i don't throw them out either

so i decided to make a hack that would let me secure the dried up tubes
inside the pans;

if i just empty the pigment into the pan it moves around a lot when i am trying to build a good load of color onto the brush
and if i try to hold the tube in place, my fingers, get covered in paint
which invariably ends up as a smudge on whatever i am working on.

the first step was to write the color of the paint on the pan
so that i know what to replace when it runs out

then i peeled the labels off the tubes so that they wouldn't absorb the paint and dissolve into the pan
and then i opened the tube to expose the paint, leaving enough intact to contain it

each tube required a different positioning
depending on the consistency of the paint,
and how much of it remained

i wrapped the top of each tube with the sugru
molding contact with the pan and molding it so that it overlapped the edge of the pan.

and here they are,
good to go
:)

i've also used sugru to repair a broken top to a jar (china)
and alter a strange little pouch

night time

2010-06-29T22:00:00.001-04:00

clean

2010-06-28T23:10:00.007-04:00

and the cleaning continues
and it's helping bit

(pretty) vacant

2010-06-27T23:58:00.001-04:00

it's hard to face this
but it's true
it's not a lack of ideas
it's not a lack of making the time
or the space
but it is,
still,
a lack of connection,
a lack of passion
and confronting it
becomes harder and harder

facing fear

2010-06-26T20:59:00.000-04:00

so i faced it
and made a place to hang these up
on the same wall
as horizontals not verticals
so that i could see them through fresh eyes
i think my suspicions were correct
i don't think these are finished paintings
i still have to "bring them home"

clean up

2010-06-25T21:30:00.000-04:00

back to this...
i always feel as if i am punishing them
turning their faces to the wall
but it's not about that really
it's about making a space where i can see with fresh eyes
which is what i need to do
to go forward

you can not believe the number of flies and spiders i have swept up...

paint

2010-06-24T23:03:00.010-04:00

a lot about paint today
not my paint necessarily
but my relationship to paint

whites

2010-06-23T23:53:00.003-04:00

2 steps forward,
1 back
i suppose

echinacae

2010-06-22T23:28:00.004-04:00

one of my favorites
from my garden
i am not having much success painting it however

go outside

2010-06-21T16:59:00.003-04:00

i have picked up the oblique strategies project again...
today's was:

go outside, shut the door

so i did

one of these eggs are real

2010-06-20T22:37:00.000-04:00

or
what color is robins egg blue?
or
what color
is anything
a color?
anymore?
this is turning into another poem...
another poem about my family
but it's a long one
so i'll limk to it when it's done
(because at the moment
i am being waaaaaaaaaaay too literal)

grounding

2010-06-19T21:15:00.001-04:00

spent most of the day
tweaking both posts on these are poems
even though this means no painting,
aside from the watercolors
i find myself feeling unexpectedly grounded
at the end of the day

pea poem

2010-06-18T23:02:00.003-04:00

trying something new
as with all beginnings
it's a bit rough around the edges
i know what the problems with it are
(a little too labored, not enough flow, a bit too literal)
but i have to start somewhere...

synchronicity

2010-06-17T21:31:00.001-04:00

today was a lesson in trust, process and the importance of t_l_v:
all of a sudden i realized that i had begun
a project i wanted to do months ago
albeit in a slightly different form
and then somehow
the universe conspired to make a place for it

dirt

2010-06-16T20:00:00.004-04:00

time to clean up?
funny,
(or not so)
i was in the same place one year ago;
attacking the studio funk

this year it's a bit slow going
tho i did manage to get 4 paintings wrapped and into the storage racks today
that despite the fact that i seem to have bought plastic that is only 36" wide
and i only had the shittiest packing tape

and i have taken the flower paintings down for a moment
i need to clear my head a bit
before i can figure out where to go next
even tho
i kind of already
(think I) know

and yea,
i know that doesn't sound like much
i also spent a lot of time staring out the window

small beauty

2010-06-15T23:55:00.003-04:00

but not a studio day
but how about this: "vessicle" ?

small spark

2010-06-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

a bit more comfortable today
a bit more free
but bad habits die hard

change

2010-06-13T23:41:00.000-04:00

one change is that this blog is no longer the front page of this site...
another is i have deactivated fb for now
& sworn off _randomthoughts for the moment.
it's kind of a last ditch effort to reconnect
'cause nothing seems to be working

postcard from the edge

2010-06-12T23:09:00.000-04:00

i think this blog will be moving,
it is no longer appropriate for the front page of my site,
there will most likely be a link to it
from the behind the lens section of this site

no fear

2010-06-11T23:15:00.002-04:00

i really don't know what else to do
besides take this to an extreme
honestly,
i don't have anything to lose

work

2010-06-10T20:10:00.000-04:00

someone's been working hard
and i have some difficult work ahead

new

2010-06-09T23:28:00.002-04:00

the squirrels dug up all my little seedlings
so now i am going to put in bigger plants
am i delusional?

rethinking old systems

2010-06-08T18:22:00.001-04:00

there is a certain amount of fear
and a certain amount of faith
required to counteract that

dragon fruit

2010-06-07T23:29:00.000-04:00

remember this
which became this
well here it is again
and then
again:


animus		daily bread

corners

2010-06-06T14:51:00.001-04:00

there are many corners of my studio that need examining
there are many corners of my life that need attention
i tackled the garden today
4+ hours later
i am a sweaty mess,
i have a blister forming
my arms are scratched up
but things feel a bit more under control
and they look a bit better too

working with remains

2010-06-05T23:32:00.003-04:00

sorting out the flowers,
somewhat like playing with my (dearly departed) worm box,
is satisfying & comforting & grounding

connections

2010-06-04T22:34:00.005-04:00

i find delight in connections

playing with flowers

2010-06-03T23:15:00.000-04:00

today i bought vases
and started playing with rearranging the flowers
thinking about that piece
of the installation

wall

2010-06-02T23:46:00.001-04:00

in one sense these are done,
in another, i'm not so sure
the same way it's taking me a while to write about last monday
i am not quite ready to look at them critically

still

2010-06-01T14:04:00.000-04:00

still drawing flowers
because this is what i do
everyday

last sitting

2010-05-31T23:00:00.000-04:00

after spending a (wonderful) night in line
i sat (for the 12th time)
on the last day of The Artist Is Present,
i will be blogging about it on a flower every day soon

sparkle

2010-05-30T22:49:00.000-04:00

on the overnight line
to sit w/marina on the last day
there were sparklers
it was quite a wonderful experience that i will write about on a flower every day

light

2010-05-29T22:27:00.002-04:00

beginning to see the light...
not so much at the end of the proverbial tunnel
but just where i should go next

timing

2010-05-28T22:12:00.000-04:00

the major lesson in all of this seems to be about time
right now i am focused on the lack of it

no photo allowed

2010-05-27T20:06:00.001-04:00

so here's a question,
i am not "really" taking pictures in the atrium
but occasionally i do
i am not posting this on a flower every day because of the "no photo" rule
but here it feels ok...
this is how split i can become in the virtual world
and i am not sure to what extent this also occurs in the physical...

the discipline

2010-05-26T19:42:00.000-04:00

the power of the discipline
(not of discipline, of what one has chosen as their discipline)
when one is exhausted
can be astonishing
it's the real hook for me
in abramovic's work