more small things

i have been intending to stick to a schedule
but when i am this messed up
sticking to anything
works for me

on a golden thread

as tweeted:

it's still slow going; twisting a piece of paint encrusted string on the surface of a painting, it comes off in my hand, soon i have 2 more

the other day i was looking to make 3 such objects to hang from gold thread on the wip project canvas, that's the way things go lately

but despite serendipitous discoveries, this slow pace is very unsettling & i am finding it hard to trust, hard to trust where it will lead

small, that's all

some days, it takes me until quite late to start
and often that is because i am waiting to really & truly be alone

today,
as i was waiting for today
i experienced a number of things that i should take as signs
that it's time to pull inside,
time to hibernate,
time to really & truly be alone

i could bore you with the minutiae that set me on edge today,
the petty frustrations,
the uncomfortable discoveries,
the reality of commitments not yet addressed
but instead i'll just share something i read recently by david sedaris:

Pat was driving, and as we passed the turnoff for a shopping center she invited us to picture a four-burner stove.

“Gas or electric?” Hugh asked, and she said that it didn’t matter.

This was not a real stove but a symbolic one, used to prove a point at a management seminar she’d once attended. “One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.” The gist, she said, was that in order to be successful you have to cut off one of your burners. And in order to be really successful you have to cut off two.

hmmmmmmmmmm...
i truly believe this;
i think you can be successful at friends, family and health all at the same time
but throw work into the mix
and something's got to give

it's already dark
and it's cold
i'm flipping that little switch
and turning some things off

belies the heaviness

hard sometimes
to put things in words

grrrrrrrrrrrr

time to find a shell
to crawl back into

tooth

often i find the cats "claws" in the studio
this time i found a tooth
it's oski's
his lower right canine (? feline ?)
i treat my cats like myself:
no problems, no doctors
but i think it's time to take them

bumped up against the spontaneity vs arbitrary issue again today
(see below)
it's a distinction that is critical to my process

reflections

i shoot this sometimes,
the paint residue settles
on the bottom of the tray
i use to clean my brushes,
light reflects onto the surface
and it feels as if
i am looking into another world

i shoot this
like some read tea leaves
looking for answers
looking for a truth

but what i've found for me,
is that the answers come through doing
and in their own time
and it is what happens each day
that forms reality
and insight helps
only if it gives you the power
the belief, the guidance
to shift gears.

bone again

i am so easily wounded,
when i allow myself to be vulnerable
it is i suppose
the reason why i withdraw;
the hypersensitivity