things i made today

i did anything (and everything) that came into my head today

clearly it didn't amount to much

it was an awful studio day actually
filled with relentless self recriminations
which i call truths
it seems to have gotten a little better towards the end

fake

more flowers in the studio:
my bike basket is long overdue for an overhaul

cords

this touched me
that made me happy

grounding

spent most of the day
tweaking both posts on these are poems
even though this means no painting,
aside from the watercolors
i find myself feeling unexpectedly grounded
at the end of the day

on the floor...green

sometimes i just let things fall as they will
sometimes i have no choice

waiting for me

lunch

so today
i am doing errands
to the post office
to the bank
to shop for some food
and i realize
that i don't usually do this...

these activities,
for the past 3 years
have been stuck in between other things
on my way to & from work
or piggybacked onto other appointments.

it's been so long
since i was just able to leave the house
run some errands
come home
and work:
simple pleasures

(no wonder i've had such a hard time feeling settled)

lunch: semolina fennel raisin bread, flatbread, boursin, lemon artichoke spread, apple, tea (not pictured)
:)

bee|me

somewhat floored by whatever this is,
it made it hard to find my equilibrium today
(felt so much like vertigo last night but now not sure)

slow progress

when i tell people that i am working again
they want to know if the work is different...
i say
"it's white
it's very white"
and they are satisfied,
but of course it's so much more than that
and of course that's related to the process
which is so much more about trust
not the need to "do"
but the faith that it's "getting done"
this is a slow process

monthly process

this is maybe the only time i have intentionally used the 16:9 ratio on my camera
(occasionally i find myself accidentally on that setting)
it's not that incredible an image
but it's the first time since this moment
that i've looked at this project in it's entirety
(and that was only about one month in)
basically i am making a drawing a day
that connects to the day before
i started on 1/15
(yes my bday)
and each segment goes to the 14th of the next month
i intended to make them into accordion books
(like i did with my original self portrait project
30 years ago)
but i am not sure that's going to work structurally
so i am still don't know how i am going to present it
(or for that matter
this spin off project
which connects not only left/right
but also up/down
and is quickly nearing its final 100th drawing)

floor

i have always liked taking pictures of my studio floor

acceptance

acceptance is the word of the day
why?
maybe because there's no other choice
and
why not?
perhaps it's time to learn about flow
and how to go with it

the reality is
that most of the time
when i make a deep connection with myself
i get hit with an overwhelming wave of sadness
this happens when i paint
and
this often happens when i practice yoga
which i have had a great resistance to lately

(i forced that issue
taking 2 classes
in as many weeks
and with what result?
no connection
i just feel like i am exercising
and that's more upsetting that not practicing at all.)

so i let myself paint directly on the canvas
from the tube
with no brush
using colors i know i will hate
just to see what will happen
just to trust
that there is no right
and there is no wrong
there is just doing
in the moment
from the heart
without judging