yes, i am at it again

first off,
i am missing this space for writing...
with all the many blogs i have going
there isn't one that replaces the "journaling aspect"
that was inherent in this one
(and in fast forward 30 years before it)

i have started a new daily blog
(big surprise)
running away from home
initially i though it would just be photographs;
just cell phone snaps,
very random
very free
much more like t_l_v
and maybe not only 1/day
but now i am not sure
maybe it will need some text too...

what i do know is that i used to have a fairly clear idea
of who took which pictures;
each of my online presences has always had a very specific character
that for the most part, has felt clear to me.
lately this isn't true:
i can't figure out what to post where
and because of this,
some of my favorite images seem to go unposted

while this feels unsettling to me
maybe it's a good thing
it indicates change
it indicates questioning
and maybe,
maybe,
it means that some of these disparate aspects of my "self"
are beginning to merge

not what i had expected

this is not the post i had expected to make today,
and in some ways, many ways
it feels like a cop out
but
that is unavoidable...
i haven't come up with a great new 365 project
so while it seemed beneficial to have a photographic counterpoint
to my daily watercolor practice
continuing with a daily image from the studio
feels as if i am just fulfilling an obligation
so for now i am going to stop posting here
and
THIS SCARES THE SH*T OUT OF ME
(but not quite as much as say;
stopping my daily watercolor practice
and that has occurred to me as well)

as i write this post
every part of me is screaming out not to do this
screaming FAILURE
it's the stubborn voice of the ego
fighting to keep the status quo
and that in and of itself
should be a good enough reason to forge ahead
and to see what the outcome actually is
as opposed to what i "think" it will be.

i have long suspected that at some point
my reliance on daily work
begins to fall more heavily on the side of "doing"
than it does on "being"
and i have long suspected that i need to confront this
and risk severing the identity that comes with these projects,
an identity which can define me so tightly
that there is no space for me to breathe
this seems like it should be a relatively easy step to take
but in actuality i fear
that the rest of my life will start to tumble like a pack of cards

while i have many prepared,
i am not posting an image for today;
because the only way things change
is if you change how you do them.

for those who visit here,
thanks for caring,
i have many ideas for what might eventually inhabit this space,
so if you want to follow along
i'm sure i'll be tweeting about it
and i have a mailing list for when i begin new projects.

onward ho!

one year later

this began a year ago,
taking over where fast forward 30 years left off
and i am wondering
how to continue
(should i change the format?)
or even
whether to continue
because i am so ritualistic
some sort of decision will be made tomorrow
what it really boils down to
whether this process serves the work
or
serves as a distraction from it?

painted

i woke up to this painting in ri

and made this (right)
at home in ny this evening

shadow self

today i painted on the beach
and forgot to take a picture
maybe because i was so completely brought back in time
to those summers when in spite of any difficulties:
blistering heat, whipping winds, stinging sand or rain,
i would go down to the beach
and paint
yes,
i was somewhat transported

same place different day

and slightly different set-up

visiting my brother

this is what i saw

this is where i was

this is what it felt like

mural studies

workin' up some ideas for my community mural project...

lying awake

not that i often do
i am usually exhausted by the time i get into bed
(it's the book referred to here)

surprise

almost a month ago i bought this artichoke
i thought, to paint
so i put it in the fridge to help it last longer
and
forgot about it.
when i found it, it was rather dried out
and a bit unappealing
and i kind of forgot about it again

today i picked it up
thinking it was long gone
but hoping to find something interesting about it to photograph
and guess what...

trust me on this

i am not sure why these are "from the studio" today
i just know that they are
perhaps they are a poem
this was

some synchronicity

for the first time in ages
the rain came down in buckets
it was a welcome change

and i continued finding little bits of meaning
and moments that made some sort of sense

some support

the corners were bending in
so i braced them with chopsticks
i keep trying the oils
but it's not clicking
i've turned off the computer and done some reading
i think i have an idea for the mural project

hihihi, a fellow lx3 user, tipped me off about a 1:1 upgrade
that's my eggplant on the left
and on the right
my neighbor's cuke growing through to our side of the fence
which i will eat
:O

review

i thought it would be a good idea to look at these,
6 months into this series
as a little review,
for concrete evidence that i am actually "doing" something
and for ideas for the panels i intend to design
for the mural project that we are doing in the community

i expected to "see" something
to "recognize" something
that is what usually happens when i review months of work
that i have never seen together
but i scooped them all up
almost as quickly as i put them down
because i "saw" nothing
and the faith that will sometimes manifest
was nowhere to be found

i did clean off my desk area
which was starting to get out of hand again

working on play again

don't ask

some things...
are better left unsaid

protected

so i listened today,
i listened to that little voice,
i made these double layered covers for the flower drawings
so that i could safely return to oil
because i had an inkling that i might want to
i washed brushes that had been sitting for months
and then i tried
unfortunately,
not too successfully

scissors

some days

not sure where all this high-key activity is coming from

this was hard

to get to the difficult places on these drawings requires some extreme measures
this was a bit scary,
all day i was resisting working on this,
an when i finally painted
it was a different flower than the one i had intended